Dear Mrs. Leadsome:
Firstly, I would like to congratulate you on being named Environment Secretary. Your years of experience as a debt trader, Deputy Director in the Barclays’ Financial Institutions team, hedge fund director, and MP, make you uniquely qualified be responsible for instituting environmental policy in our country. At least you ask the relevant questions, like “Is Climate Change Real”.
I would, however, like to raise a question regarding your comments surrounding gender roles in childcare. You are rather keen on using the phrase “As a mother”, so I would like to address my concerns “as a father” of 2 gorgeous children who are (along with my wife) my entire world. I am worried however. Am I a paedophile? I don’t believe so, but then again, I am not a mother, nor a politician, and I am certainly not qualified to be an Environment Secretary, so I must leave these sorts of concerns to people far more qualified than me. Obviously, you are the perfect candidate. Less “Ask Jeeves” and more “Ask Andrea”. So, whilst these are not in your new remit, you are still the most qualified to answer my questions. After all, you are a mother.
Should my wife be worried when she leaves the children in my care? After all, all paedophiles are men, so the chances of me being a paedophile are obviously 50% higher, as I lack the relevant oestrogen to prevent me from child molestation. Obviously, she shall not be hiring a male nanny, mainly because our combined salaries would not allow for such a luxury. But, if she did, and a male showed up, should she immediately contact the police? She she restrain this individual, whilst waiting for the police to arrive, or just take the relevant contact details so the police can go and arrest him, take his laptop and mobile phone and lock him up for good, as he is obviously a sexual deviant. However, it doesn’t solve the problem that is known as Steevi (or daddy, as I am also known as). Should I be ejected from the family home, only allowed supervised visits and definitely no sleepovers. After all, the welfare of my children are of the most paramount importance to me.
Should we take your guidance, I do have to ask. Is there any wiggle room on the whole gay marriage thing? Obviously, I want my wife to be happy, so I wonder if you can soften your stance on this, or is it set in stone?
Must admit that I am confused about a couple of things? How much research have you done on the whole male nannies and paedophilia. Far be it from me to question you. I am just a lowly IT engineer. Obviously, we know that it’s impossible to be a female child molester (other than Jennifer Rice, Courtney Reschke, Jill Dudley, Ashley Jessup, Sarah Hopkins, Leah Shipman, Hendrika Shaskey, the two mothers who arranged for their children to be raped by Ian Watkins…, Loren Morris, Barbara Ellen Kirby, Daresa Deann Poe, and Joy Morsi… we shouldn’t count those, should we?), but if our children are at risk from male nannies, should we not also look at other industries as well. After all, male teachers, life guards, politicians, policemen, doctors, nurses, lollypop people, anyone working in retail, scoutmasters, etc. They all have interaction with children, and could also be devious. Should my wife be worried? Perhaps she shouldn’t be reporting that male nanny to the police. What if a male police office shows up, and part of the same ring as the nanny?
I suppose we can all take solace in The Church, though. No history of abuse there, thank God.
These are the things keeping me up at night, and I need your wisdom!
Still, at least I know the environment is fine!